Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Labreador
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.