I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.