Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
You Might Also Like
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
i think my razor is having a panic attack
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first