Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he鈥檚 fleeing the scene of a crime
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Stop it! 馃槀
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I thought I liked salads鈥urns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There鈥檚 only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can鈥檛 count, I can鈥檛 count!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows