Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.