“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The glory of fall.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day