Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The news in a nutshell.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt