[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Just a friendly reminder!
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply