I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.