[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.