who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Yup.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.