I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
You Might Also Like
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.