GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Huge, if true.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.