I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
my sentiments exactly
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*