I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
You Might Also Like
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Those are good neighbors.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3