(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Dead
Alive
Other✔
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”