The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date