WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro