booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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Aight bet
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.