I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Twitter is an abusement park.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Breaking news:
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”