SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I need a headline like this
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
i wish i could marry a nap
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!