I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*