Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.