If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…