My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
This kid is going places
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.