In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right