I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?