Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
You Might Also Like
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
That’s amazing.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.