[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
How all things should be taught/explained.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.