Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.