How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
You Might Also Like
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.