If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work