[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.