Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.