Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks