My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.