Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
You Might Also Like
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
plant them where lol
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish