Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.