1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
You Might Also Like
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
🙅🏻
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.