Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.