Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
You Might Also Like
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I bet
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic