[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.