What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I’m good, thanks.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
What is going on? 😅
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer