Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Taliband
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.