Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Yup
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.