Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here