INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.