Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis