Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Time for evil
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.