I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.